A Patchwork Quilt

Farewells

2009-01-04T14:39:00.000-08:00

The clock ticks steadily, sometimes seeming fast, other times seeming slow. As it ticks closer to the time I am waiting for, my soul plunges to the depths. Why can't the time move quicker? This is agony. I just want to go and get it over with. Why drag this out so long? It is painful, knowing with every passing second that eventually I am going to leave.

Yet, here I sit. The clock ticks steadily and my soul continues its plunge.

Hallelujah!!!!!

2008-12-14T12:03:00.001-08:00

Because I did not graduate this December, I had to wait a whole day more to find out my grades. And then they didn't even have all of them up. They've been trickling onto the site. The one grade I was most concerned about was not there. I didn't know what to expect. I thought I had done pretty bad, and knowing his grading scale I thought I would survive with a B.

Today, merely out of curiosity and obsessive compulsiveness, I checked my grades. There it was, the long awaited grade. I'm surprised I didn't scream or pass out or something. What did happen surprises me. I cried. I really cried. For a brief couple of seconds, tears of pure joy and relief flooded from my eyes.

For the first time in college, I have achieved a 4.0. What's more, this semester was the hardest I have ever taken. It is also the first one I have worked so hard at. God is so good! I know He played a big part in it. If he hadn't helped me on my 10:00 pm papers, I wouldn't have done so well. :)

Just Put Me Out of My Misery, Please!

2008-12-08T11:25:00.000-08:00

People have told me that I am smart. I usually argue, saying I'm not that smart. Sure, I can take a class and get an A without putting too much effort into it. That's just because I know how to memorize and guess. But I don't really care about being book smart. It's nice, since I don't have to worry as much about getting good grades, but I'm more worried about being socially smart. And having common sense. Book smarts are easy, but when it comes to interacting with people, I get very confused. I don't know how to communicate clearly sometimes. Instead of saying what I mean, I say something I assume the person will understand as meaning what I want it to mean. Thus, I confuse them, and a whole misunderstanding takes place.

This morning, for instance, I told my ride that I didn't have to be to class until 9:30. I told her this so she wouldn't feel rushed. What I didn't realize was that she would take it to mean, I wouldn't want to leave until a little before 9:30. She went to work and forgot and I ended up late for my final. Thankfully, my teacher didn't seem to mind my being late.

As if that experience didn't make me feel like an idiot, I added on another one. (I truly believe all this is caused by my staying up late to read Hamlet and then write a paper on it. It destroyed my ability to think clearly.) I called my other teacher to ask him if I could turn in my paper early, because I didn't want to go to the final at 2:00. I called him at his office. He answered right away and I asked my question, which, now that I think of it, was also kind of silly. He said I could turn the paper in early and I proceeded to make an absolute fool of myself. "Are you there now?" I asked. Seriously? I'm sure he thought I'd lost my marbles. That's one of those stupid questions that people write e-mails about. What was I thinking? Of course he was there right then! I had called his office! He had answered! What did I think? That he was answering from the past or the future? And then he made me feel even worse. He replied that he was there right then and that I was at the front desk of the library. I really didn't want to turn in my paper after that. At least, I didn't want to see his face. He saw me and looked at me very funnily. I could tell he was starting to worry about me. (This just happened to be my teacher crush.)

Days like these, I hate my hormones. I'm so frustrated with myself and feel like I could never face my teachers again. GRRRR!!!!!!! :(

Don't Forget Your Veggies!

2008-12-04T14:07:00.000-08:00

The other night I ate peas. This may not seem like a big deal to most people, but in my case it's pretty big. I wasn't even told to eat them.

When I was younger, my mom would puree the peas to get me to eat them. The though nauseates me. Then, as I grew older, my father would not allow me to eat or drink anything else until the peas were gone. It was torture. I counted the peas and later would tell people about the harsh treatment I was getting, making sure they understood exactly how many peas I had been forced to eat.

When I got a little older, I blatantly ignored the evil legumes, as well as any other detestable vegetables. Lately, however, I am learning that it is better to eat what is healthy, and not necessarily what tastes good. So when we had peas for our vegetable, I took what would be considered a small serving to anyone else. To me, it was huge. I thought I would never finish the little monsters. The problem is, I can only handle one pea in my mouth at a time. And when I get a really mushy one, I almost can't handle it. The smell, the taste, the texture, all combine to create an effective gag reflex tester. It was a very hard endeavor.

Next on the list of detestable vegetables: Tomatoes

Divorce

2008-12-01T10:29:00.000-08:00

Divorce has come to be accepted as a reasonable resolution of problems in marriage. It is everywhere. People think nothing of it. I think it is the worst resolution. I know some people are abused. I understand that if they don't leave, it could be very bad for them and their children. That doesn't make divorce right. It simply justifies it.

I remember when my mom told me we were going to stay with my grandparents for a little while. I felt like my whole world had just ended. All the security of knowing my parents would be together and would take care of me was gone. At that time, they didn't say they were getting divorced. It was just a separation. It didn't take long, though, for it to turn into a divorce.

At thirteen, I had heard of divorce. It was still a shock. A Christian couple getting a divorce? But the Bible says that's wrong. How can they do that? I felt so scared and upset. I blamed my mother. After all, she was the one talking to a man on the computer. She was the one whisking my brother and I away to my grandparents. It was her fault. She was just being selfish!

I might still blame her. That might be why I can't get along with my stepdad. The two met while both of them were still married. They dated for a few years, but that still looks bad to me. It's as if he came in and swept her off her feet. Though he is very nice to me and does more than my own father, he is not my father and I see him as part of the reason for this whole thing.

Is it right for a person to stay with their spouse if they are being abused? If there's children involved? I was thirteen, an age when I desperately needed both my parents. As if life wasn't complicated enough, they tore my world to pieces and I had to choose sides. But my mom was being emotionally abused. Am I supposed to be okay with her decision?

I want a boyfriend really bad. I don't think I'm ready for one, though. I'm not a psychologist, so I don't know anything about this, but I wonder if the reason I want a boyfriend so bad is because I'm trying to fill the gap left by my father and brother. I have a friend who I always say is like a brother to me. I miss my brother and my father and long for a male to fill that space. Maybe I'm just a clingy wimp. Who knows.

Divorce sucks. I just needed to get that out.

Thoughts

2008-11-29T14:41:00.000-08:00

I just read a blog my brother wrote. It showed me a side of him I had never seen. I have a lot of respect for my brother. This blog strengthened that respect. In some ways, though, I wonder if it is respect. I look at him and think, "I'll never measure up to him." In my eyes, he is perfect. I feel like I will never be on his level. I'll never be as talented, as popular, as intellectual. I am immature and lack a lot of common sense. I don't commit to things. I know how to look smart, but I am not.

I getting older, but I feel like a child still. I also feel like everyone looks at me like a child. They don't think I can take care of myself. I have an overwhelming desire to just live on my own. Then I won't be bugging anyone, I won't be a burden for them to watch over. I will make my mistakes and learn from them. Maybe it's even immature to think that way.

I think so much, but I feel like an airhead.

One of Those Days

2008-11-19T11:03:00.000-08:00

There are some days I feel like I am under a curse. Today would be one of them. First, I have an Advanced Grammar test, then I have a paper due tonight. As if those don't stress me out, in Hebrew I cut a chunk of skin off my finger and now have a horrible time writing and typing. Why?! Stupid chair.

Sign Up Here!

2008-11-17T16:56:00.001-08:00

What is it about signing up for website accounts? I seem to have an addiction it. I have several accounts at websites I have lost track of. I just cancelled one of my accounts, but I have many, many more. Why not just have one central one? I have several e-mails as well. I only use a few of them.

I need to simplify my life. Yet, here I am, beginning another account. I'm hopeless.